There's a girl at work who carries a bag that reads, "I don't like people." I smile at her when I see her in the hall, as I do to everyone at work, with the thought that maybe someday, someone might swing the bat for me. But my smiles to this chick are consistently met with glares: big, mean, head down, lips pursed, intentional glares. It's as if she is sucking in the light around her and contaminating it with her mean vibe. The girl is good at glaring. Her bag speaks the truth.
This weekend, G met her first Not-So-Nice Toddler. My sweet nephew turned two and had a birthday party that included about 15 little peeps all running around, in and out of the house, in and out of their mamas' arms and in and out of various moods. G was happy to be somewhere different with a lot of action, but, she preferred the sidelines. She watched and took it all in.
The first time the little chick shoved G down, I was standing right there. I didn't want to just scoop her up and take her away, I sort of wanted to try to teach her something, something about being tough, or something about standing her ground or something about people. "Get back up, my grl," I told her. And the chick shoved her down again.
This little girl's mom was very nice, and as she steered her kid away and I boxed G out, she mentioned that she wished she had a little bit of whatever fire it is that her kid has. That, she said, could help her in her business world. I could use a little of it too, really. The smiles only go so far.
G was left with a bruise on her left cheek. G's dad was mad. My mama friend this morning was appalled. I'd like to think the G learned something, maybe not about being tough, (by the end of the night, G resorted to tears after a few too many shoves) or standing her ground, (G couldn't. The other chick was older and taller) or even people (I am sure G has forgotten the other chick) but, maybe something about life or birthday parties or blond chicks. Who knows?
From my end, I am now wondering about how I should teach my lady to handle aggression. Turn the other cheek? Shove back? Walk away? No option seems appealing to me. I don't want G to get into an all out brawl, but I also don't want her to neglect to stand up for herself. She'll need a bit of an edge, at times, to get where she wants to go. But then again, I wouldn't want her to shove everyone down in her way either. Can you teach compassionate competitiveness?
Here is yet another another lesson that I am not sure I understand myself.
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As the mother of the “not so nice chick” who is the focus of your latest entry, and an occasional follower of your blog, I felt compelled to respond to the latest topic. First of all-and I apologize if I didn’t emphasize it enough at the time- I want to first impress upon you (and G’s father if he is reading this) that both my husband and I are very sorry that our daughter shoved your daughter and hurt her. This is a recurring behavioral problem that is totally not okay with us, and one with which we as fellow first-time parents have struggled of late. We don’t think it’s cute or petty, nor do we want to look the other way. From the incident in the kitchen where she first shoved your daughter, I shadowed her for the rest of the party, unless her Dad was around, and the babies were safely inside the house.
ReplyDeleteI think I told you that it’s ironic for me to be experiencing this as a mother, since I am the last person who ever wants to rock the boat, and find the whole situation mortifying. With that, I would give you my blog entry about navigating the unchartered waters of motherhood. This particular chapter on my twenty-two month old girl would find me wishing that I knew if constant “time-outs” and stern looks were having any consequences; that hoping that her slight speech delay is part of the cause for her need to “act out” and be so rough with other non-suspecting children ; and finally, of my fear that the parents of these children-or any other bystanders for that matter-will hold it against her or feel somehow she is inherently bad.
Not so long ago when our daughter was closer to G’s age, a good friend came over with her older toddler son, and more than once he hit or pushed our little girl. My friend apologized and took him aside, explaining how this was not right, and yet, it was still hard to witness. This was long before she exhibited any behavior like this and it seemed unjust, and well, this was my baby girl.
So, yes, I get that it was tough to see your sweet daughter struck, and I get that it would pose so many questions for you and seem like a good thing to explore here. But I’ve got to tell you-it was difficult to see my daughter described as “not so nice” where the implication is that she has thoughts behind her actions. It’s difficult to see all of this written in such a public way, and finally, confusing as a fellow mother who is described as nice, and who felt you were the same even complimenting you on your blog as a fellow new mom.
I guess I wish we had a chance to meet at the playground, (maybe without kids just to keep it simple), have a coffee, and talk over our respective experiences in parenthood. Don’t even get me started or trying to get her to eat vegetables. I have a pretty good feeling we would have more in common than not. Since I genuinely liked you, I have no doubt it would end well.
Peace